Inner Conflict

This weekend has been troubling for me.

The two visits I’ve taken to hospital, where my mother is at the moment, I left in tears. The nurse present the second time recommended that I not come back, since its disturbing me too much. Some of my friends agree with that assesment, in particular those who know me well.

My father, on hearing this however, asked me an important question: So what am I going to do to help when she gets out? Important indeed, and one that I discussed in private later with my brother. Some initial plans have been set, but my help will be somewhat peripheral though just as important.

The main thing is that I just cannot see her like that; It hurts me too much. Both her mother and father died slowly, her mother in particluar also from multiple strokes, and I don’t feel that it was right for them to suffer that way. How do I communicate such things to my father, as I believe strongly in such things as the Living Will and the DNR Order? Right now, I cannot.

As it stands, I’m too far away to do any real good at her home anyway, and my 3rd shift hours prevent me from doing much else at the moment as well. But there are things I can do to help, things that do not per se require me to be always present, or at least such things that I can do the work using phone calls and my PC, and an occasional drive down.

I’ll be taking a week or so off after the SLCC confrence in early Oct, and will spend some time with both my parents at that time. By then I’ll have a better idea of the situation.

-Alan