Inner Conflict

This weekend has been troubling for me.

The two visits I’ve taken to hospital, where my mother is at the moment, I left in tears. The nurse present the second time recommended that I not come back, since its disturbing me too much. Some of my friends agree with that assesment, in particular those who know me well.

My father, on hearing this however, asked me an important question: So what am I going to do to help when she gets out? Important indeed, and one that I discussed in private later with my brother. Some initial plans have been set, but my help will be somewhat peripheral though just as important.

The main thing is that I just cannot see her like that; It hurts me too much. Both her mother and father died slowly, her mother in particluar also from multiple strokes, and I don’t feel that it was right for them to suffer that way. How do I communicate such things to my father, as I believe strongly in such things as the Living Will and the DNR Order? Right now, I cannot.

As it stands, I’m too far away to do any real good at her home anyway, and my 3rd shift hours prevent me from doing much else at the moment as well. But there are things I can do to help, things that do not per se require me to be always present, or at least such things that I can do the work using phone calls and my PC, and an occasional drive down.

I’ll be taking a week or so off after the SLCC confrence in early Oct, and will spend some time with both my parents at that time. By then I’ll have a better idea of the situation.

-Alan

A Long Weekend of Concern

Much has happened over the weekend, best to place in one post as things are just winding down.

### Cyan closing up last week

On 9/2/05 it was mentioned on the blog for (now former) Cyanist [GreyDragon][1] that Cyan had layed off most of its employees. This is a saddening time indeed for those of us who have been involved in Myst and Uru, and formed our own communities within. A [followup post][2] has explicitly stated that Ubisoft is *not* at fault for this and has been extremely helpful in the publishing and marketing of _Myst V: End of Ages_, due out next week. I agree with GD’s perspective on the latter, and hope Rand the best in trying to get some sort of funding back up for the Somthing Else project or the other project I heard rumors about.

There is not much I can say that can extend beyond the (very copious) comments within the two posts, and can only add my farewell /salute (aka /hug) and my personal determination that this will not stop the communities from continuing on.

Even if that requires us to collectively pick up Until Uru or H’Uru or whatever by its bootstraps and continuing it ourselves.

No ending is fully written, only chapters, and on top of that we always live within the moments of beginnings and endings. This just allows a new chapter to open, a new time for us as an Uru community, and one that I’m looking forward to see.

[1]: http://www.thegreydragon.com/2005/09/time-of-your-life-almost-all-of-cyan.html
[2]: http://www.thegreydragon.com/2005/09/debt-just-so-everyone-knows-cyan-is.html

### Mother in Hospital again

The same Friday that I learned about Cyan I got a call from my aunt saying my mother was admitted to a hospital again; She’s had another stroke. I did try to visit on Saturday, she was having tests done and was unable to see her. Hopefully I’ll have time on Wed while I’m in the area, and will try to visit this Friday or Saturday as well.

### The weekend of 9/11 – Working

I was at work this past weekend, both days, much as I’d rather have been in NYC on Sunday the 11th. Not much I could do, it was an important thing had to be done and I’m happy that, at the end, everything was good on Monday.

But despite the fustration and haggardness at the end, a part of me was glad to have worked this weekend. I lost two good friends on the 11th, co-workers whom were visiting the towers that day on business. I buried my emotions in work the rest of that week, getting things working so clients could do their work in our spare office space. That later backfired on me, but is another story.

So you’d think I would avoid work that day. Well, thinking back on this year so far, I’ve done so much – in RL, Uru, and SL. I think I wanted to prove to myself, once and for all, that I’m out of that blackness I dug myself into the initial months after 9/11.

If so, then I’ve proven myself to be once again back. I’m hoping that I can now keep this attitude the rest of my life. Perhaps this little spot of mine will help, we shall see…

–Alan

Quick note regarding Katrina

Unless you’ve been well away from both the popular media and the Gulf area of the US, there are lots of posts in weblogs and elsewhere regarding Katrina. I have nothing new to say to what’s already out there, and to be honest its not what this weblog is for.

However, from an Uru perspective, this community is a tight one and the effects of it ripple through the varying forums (peruse the two Uru forum links on my sidebar for examples). We all do care, and help in our ways.

*Bows head in silence*

-Alan

Welcome (Again)

*Looks around another new space.*

It has to be said, that as a person whom likes to write on occasion, it may have been a serious mistake for me to get involved in a blog. ;) In any event, I’ve been wanting to write short snippets of things ever since I got deeply involved in Second Life, but started with just an in-world notecard (which is both painful and not easy to maintain on a regular basis, or away from home).

I did finally get involved with a blogging site for a while, a site called SLBlogger that was catering to SL Avatars. I joined in, and had a few posts, but it was taken down in short order due to ‘external circumstances’ (aka it was hacked and the blog vendor did not have a patch anytime soon). It would appear to be up again soon, but I’ve had to move beyond that anyway.

I’m now hosting, via my own domain and site, files that go beyond SL. Files such as the Until Uru KI patch, which was available elsewhere at some point but has disappeared since. The site (and now the blog) will likely be balanced more toward Uru from time to time, and as such I cannot justify it staying on SLBlogger.

I will, however, re-post entries to here once I get back in again.

-Alan

[SLB Import] London

As someone who lives in the NYC Metro area, I found the explosions in London worrisome.  As it always does when I end up adding a new memorial to my private collection.

Of course like everyone else I checked in on folks I knew who could have been there.  So far I’ve heard from everyone, so I’ve been happy.

But my heart as always goes out to those effected over there.  Just as it did on 9/11 (perhaps a little too much, but I have my reasons – reference my back posts), or during the tsunami, or whenever a major disaster strikes.  It is just my nature.  My aspect in later life has been of the Healer, the caring, kind person who likes to help.

Perhaps this is why the Numbakulla story, and the Uru story, resonate in me so much. And why SL tugs at me so much as well.

–Alan

[SLB Import] Mystic Radio closes its streaming service

For anyone who visited my rental land on Tavarua, or other similar areas that I frequent (some of them on my picks list), you probably heard some interesting music from it.  Soothing, quiet, and perhaps bordering more towards ‘new age’ (though I have no issue with that genre).

That music stream came from the site Mystic Radio, a recent find and one that fit the land almost perfectly.  Unfortunately, as of a couple days ago, they closed their virtual doors and the website just has a sad farewell notice.

I’m of course saddened to see this, as I cannot think of any other music URL that I’d regularly pump into my land (and yes, I donated to them at one point, by using one of their sponsor links to buy my LightStone device).  Ah well, I suppose for now the quiet will do.

[SLB Import] a VC in SL?

One of the more interesting statements I’ve been making is that I’ve been acting as a VC of sorts for a couple projects.  (For those who have not heard of a VC, it means Venture Capitalist – someone who spends their own money to further a company or group, in return for some stake in it.)  I’m currently doing this to a degree for two groups.

The first is InnerLife, which I’ve set aside some of my rental land for, as well as participate in testing the PC client that will eventually interface the LightStone biofeeedback device into SL. I have a personal interest in the group, and have expressed interest in aquiring and co-owning an island for them once they’re ready for that stage.  For now its just a matter of getting XML-RPC to stay happy.

The one I’m now active in financially is the Numbakulla sim / project. I give great thanks to Moopf for allowing it to last so long, as its an amazing place. With a possible ‘end’ occuring though, like many others I’ve stepped up and donated.

My ‘share’ probably is rather signifigant right now, enough so that I’m not talking about it (they had almost enough for the purchase before I even got word of this, so is not very big overall anyway). I did, though, do the unusual step of cleaning the paltry amount I had in GOM back into SL. :) My only plan here is to help them out while they finish getting the monthly pledge amount confirmed, and they’re in good shape for that I think.

In both of these cases I have no interest in making money, either in L$ or US$. In fact I’d be happy if I broke even in some cases. The important thing to me is the content here. Both are ‘PG’ in nature, quiet, calming, and fun.

There is not enough of that sort of content in SL. I hope to help change that. Only time will tell.

[SLB Import] Uru saved my soul

Yes, that’s one hell of a statement I’ve made there, but is a correct one.

Flip back to 9/11/01.  I lost two co-workers who were also good friends.  One of them taught me how some of our app works, so now checking it I always think of him.  And of course they were visiting that day, was not their normal office.

My next two years afterward were a bit of a blur really, due to a darkness that settled over me; I honestly cannot remember most of it.  I had moved to 3rd shift as my apathy came to an all-time low, and had settled into a routine that helped to slowly climb out of it.

November 2003, two things happened: New notebook, and Uru came out. The notebook was to create a fresh start, mark a new time in my life (I did the same with the car, in getting my first Prius one month later). Uru, however, I waited on since like all games I now waited due to patches and bugs. Plus I was extremely skeptical of Live at the time.

Well, after X-mas that year, I had spent some money getting the Myst Anniversary DVDs, and played them. I realized that I should try Uru after all, and got it. And finished it two days later. And applied for Live, for the heck of it.

I got in quickly enough, as one of the ‘Accounting Error’ group just after New Years. It was laggy, and overcrowded, and problematic. But realized from talking to others online that I had found a new group of friends. That *we* were going to be the story, for which an ending should not have been written.

But, alas, it was. The shutdown occured on my birthday no less. And yes, I’m still bitter at Ubisoft over this. I’ve been through the hell called the Diablo 2 server issues, and Uru Live was nothing like that, never would have been like that. It just needed time, and they were not given it; That’s it.

So why do I stand by this claim of Uru saving my soul? Many reasons. It introduced me to forum culture. It gave me a new circle of friends that I could understand and be with, even at my hours. And most importantly, it gave me a direction again – which I needed badly to get out of that darkness my soul was in.

But with Live offline, there was uncertainty of what I would do next. I swore off online games totally for a while, and forums as well for a bit. But I began seeking, and quietly heard of some places where people were trying this again.

That’s when I heard about Second Life…

[SLB Import] Well, Well….

*looks around the new, empty space*

 

I’m taking a rather interesting step with this.  My preferences since college has been to keep a low profile on the Internet.  Hell of a story behind that, but not certain even now if I can relay it.

 

Perhaps Torley leaving SL, like the death of someone I knew about in Uru, is spurring me on.  I will have to see.

 

I’m going to keep this down to the main things I discuss in the notecard I was building in Tavarua (which will eventually transfer here):  InnerLife, Uru, and SL.  Like this post, I may also include a RL point from time to time, will have to see…